In a surprise email from Vice President for Finance Needmoor Monay, Duke announced that the University is selling off a number of properties to bolster its “humble” $11.9 billion endowment. First on the chopping block? The Nasher.
According to Monay, when evaluating which assets to sell, the University prioritized facilities with minimal impact on their U.S. News and World Report ranking.
“We see preserving our No.-6 ranking as the only real goal of our University, and we wanted to ensure that every step we took was in service of that goal,” Monay told The Chomicle.
Monay said the Nasher was singled out because students and faculty don’t care about art, so it was unlikely to affect the rankings in any significant way. In fact, Monay thinks that “turning a boring art museum into an exciting multi-storefront building” will actually enhance the student experience, making the move a “win-win.”
When identifying potential buyers, Duke reportedly had many proposals to choose from, including applications from Shooters III, Cosmic Canvas, McNasher and Frat Rowsteraunt. Ultimately, the University settled on a Nacho Bell-Bro Wipes one-stop shop.
“They just offered the most money,” Monay shrugged. “And besides, the convenience factor is off the charts.”
At Nacho Bell, students will be able to purchase cheap tacos alongside other Mexican-adjacent menu items. When they inevitably get food poisoning from the ingredients intentionally sourced to keep prices down, clean-up materials will be available next door at the Bro Wipes store.
Students have overwhelmingly endorsed the idea, with one claiming that Nacho Bell would be the only authentic Mexican food in the Triangle. When asked what other Mexican restaurants he had gone to, the student was incredulous that Durham even had restaurants, admitting that due to only ever leaving campus to go to frat parties, he had assumed Durham was an entirely residential community.
Various business clubs have rallied in support of the proposal, with Duke Capitalists releasing a statement saying that “the chance to observe the unique synergy of Nacho Bell-Bro Wipes and mention it in behavioral interviews will give our members a leg up in the consulting and finance recruiting they came to Duke for.”
At the moment, the Nacho Bell-Bro Wipes store will occupy two of the Nasher’s five wings, while the soon-to-be constructed sculpture garden will be converted into a parking lot. Duke is currently seeking to add three more tenants to the building, and the leading contenders at the moment are Zins-R-Us, the 1% club and a legacy-only restaurant.
An email from President Fincent Spice commended Monay for her wise stewardship and financial expertise. He also announced that in lieu of wages, Duke faculty will be paid in Nasher artwork for the foreseeable future, and the majority of the Nasher’s collection will be sold for a dollar per painting as part of the University’s new fundraising campaign.
Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh, or at least cry.
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